it’s like, the whole picture and the whole idea isn’t seen. you don’t see it. and i honestly feel, you’re not mature enough to see it. because, if you were so selfless, you wouldn’t blame me on anything. if you were so selfless, you would communicate with me. if you were so selfless you wouldn’t be doing this now.
but we’re all growing up—being the young adults we are.
and so i always feel like im the one that is giving my all. being honest, open, and just me to you. yet, in the end, even after i took a leap of faith to start our friendship again, im the one that gets blamed. im the one that gets the finger pointed at. and i carry all your emotions. and i care.
May 2nd
Another year has passed. Finishing up Sophomore Year dang.
Hopefully I get hired as a pt aide. That would be great: make a bit of mula, get some experience, meet some new people, and get a better idea about the pt world.
Excited about going to China this summer. Back to the roots, haven’t seen that place since I was five. I think I might even bring a cam-corder just cuz there would be too many pics to take of that beautiful country.
Peace
it’s almost summer.
that doesn’t mean it would be break time. there’s summer school, finding a job, getting a job, keeping the job, and preparing for the next school. oh, and working on improving myself, keeping an open mind, and taking things in daily at an appreciative pace. oh and appreciating others like family and friends as well.
there are regrets, but im doing better on not dwelling on them. bc, what can you do? except try to see what happened, try to remember how you felt, and try to understand why some things were done the way they were.
what keeps me going in “hard” situations is keeping in mind to take things slowly and take the day, as it is. to clarify some points, the word hard is in quotes because to others, my situation will seem petty. and yes, my situation is petty compared to the world issues out there, and compared to other people’s situations where they really do have issues. however, the situation is still hard and a test of the power of learning from the past and learning to move on.and acceptance.
another point to clarify is “to take things slowly”. daily, every minute and every hour of the day, i do consciously and loudly repeat within my mind to take it slow, to not get carried away, and to not rush. bc, why is there a need to rush? why is there a need to have an answer right here and now? by not making a decision am i being a coward? by not making a decision, between a yes or a no, am i taking the easy route out? this guilt has been at the pit of my stomach. this guilt is what, a lot of the times, keep me from going to sleep as easily as i would like. however, by taking it slow, i know, deep down, that decision is to have faith. people can argue that taking a leap of faith would be to actually give a solid answer and move on and “have faith” in seeing where that decision would lead one. i can see that. and i do believe in that as well. but im a big person on trusting my gut. and i trust myself. and my faith is to take things slow, no need to make a decision when the timing is not right. and everything will unfold when the timing is right.
i just rambled a lot to a computer screen that won’t reply back to me.
but, i don’t really need a reply when in the end, i will have the same thoughts with the same beginning and ends.
Holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. Your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. To take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. It is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. More simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e kissing, hugging, sexing.., the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications.
About me
it's another new year. 2012. I always feel a sense of excitement mixed with optimism with a side of "ahhh, here's to being just a bit closer to finishing college."
